Fun With Driver’s Licenses
I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m somewhat bizarre. I have weird little rituals that I follow and I do strange things just because I think someday it might be funny and/or interesting for me to someday look back on. Or, you know, tell my kids.
Example: I treat my DVDs like they’re antiques. Seriously. I place them in the DVD player as if one false move would make them shatter into a million pieces. I go crazy when there’s a security sticker inside the case that I can’t remove without wrecking the artwork. I even returned a DVD to the store once because the spindle was broken and the DVD was loose inside there.
GUY AT BEST BUY: So why are you returning this?
ME: The thingy inside is broken. It’s making the DVD slip around in there.
ME: So, it could get scratched and whatever.
GABB: You know you can only exchange this for the same movie, right?
ME: Fine by me.
(the DVD was/is Dancer In The Dark…don’t judge me)
So, it’s with a bit of Oh, man…what are people going to think of me that I lay myself out and reveal something really sort of strange that I’ve done since I was able to get behind the wheel of a car. Let’s see if you can figure it out. Below, in chronological order, are all of my driver’s license, scanned in for your viewing pleasure(?).
Here’s me with my first non-provisional license. I’m in full-mullet mode, angry at the world for some reason and sporting a sweet gold hoop earring. I’m sure somewhere in my head, there’s a Pantera song playing. This of course, was back in the day when you got one shot at a picture and that was it. Also, it took about 7 months to get this beauty in the mail. Not to give away the ‘weirdness’ of this, but this was obviously the beginning of my weird Driver’s License Ritual.
Here’s me, fresh-faced, excited and 21 years old. These must have been happier times for me. I’m guessing part of it is I love 3 pounds worth of hair with the removal of my mullet. Heck, I’m so into getting my NEW license, that I couldn’t stand still (or the photographer was horrible) and I’m a bit off-center. Can’t help but think, judging by the smirk on my fat face, that I’m up to something. Hmmm… And can I just say for the record how old these look? Dang.
There’s me again, but I’m pasty as all get-out. I went through a weird phase where I didn’t know what to do with my hair, so I sort of slicked it back. This is between that stage and my “I want to look like a Japanese Anime guy’ era. So, little by little, I creeped my hair forward. Yes, yes. It looks like the Flock of Seagull guys a little bit. I get it. My hair has always sucked. I should note that this is the beginning of my soul patch phase (which is still going strong). I don’t know. I think it centers my face.
I don’t think I was feeling so hot in this one. But, this was my license during the one, brief moment in my life where I actually lived alone…in my own apartment. With my crooked-tailed cat, the beloved Kato. I drove a Plymouth Breeze, at the time. I had to park on the street. I also got a big ticket for forgetting to renew my tabs. It should be pretty obvious at this point what the trend is in these Driver’s License shots, right? Also of note, this style of ID didn’t last all that long. It’s sort of a limited edition, you might say.
Holy cow. Literally. Here’s me at my new address out in Woodbury. I’m dating Laura at this point and I live in a townhouse. Little do we know that a year or two from the date this picture is taken, we’re going to HATE our neighborhood and more specifically, our neighbors. This is also pretty close to the time where I discovered that Woodbury Public Safety was looking for new recruits for the Fire Department. Go ahead and compare my weight on this one to the first license and the one below. Go on.
Yeah, so this is my newest license. Actually, I can’t even say that. This is the one I had BEFORE I had to get it renewed. Look at me! I’m like half the man I used to be. I lost 40 pounds over a year and I hate to say it, but I think I almost look sickly. Anyway, this is a shot of me after we moved out of our townhouse and into the neighborhood in Woodbury we love. I’ve got a kid at this point, a much better job and life is good. Still, I’ve continued a trend with all of these pictures. Figured it out?
Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. In every single one of these Driver’s License pictures, I’m wearing the same purple hooded sweatshirt. I don’t think I realized I did it until the 2nd driver’s license came in the mail, but since then it’s been a trend.
I used to wear this thing ALL the time (as you can likely see) and it faded and got plain ol’ destroyed over the twenty-something years I’ve had the thing. I was bummed when I got the front pocket caught on a doorknob and tore it. I think the other side had been fixed, but when it happened a 2nd time (shame on me) I didn’t bother. Or, you know, I was too lazy to sew it up myself.
The lady at the DMV even said it looked like a comfortable sweatshirt. I admitted my weird trend and she sort of scrunched up her face like she didn’t know what to think of that.
Do I wear this thing nowadays? Not much. I did enjoy a quality day wearing the old sweatshirt when I got my license renewed a couple weeks ago. It felt like old times, if even for a little while. At the post office, some old dude who smelled like George Burn’s ashtray asked me what it said on my sweatshirt.
ME: It says B.U.M. Equipment.
OL’ SMOKEY: Uh-huh.
So, there it is. I’ll put it back in the dresser until that magical day comes when I need to go and have the worst picture ever taken of me once again. My kids will be a little older, my hair will be plenty grayer, but I’m willing to bet the purple sweatshirt will still fit.
At least, I hope it will.