Thursday 13 – Version 8.0

Once upon a time, I was a different kind of writer, not just stuff for kids and young adults. I used to write horror stories, dark comedies, and just plain stupid stories that really had no business ever being printed, let alone typed out. While most would hide their previous efforts in the trash bin or have a nice bonfire, I’m dragging them out to see the sunlight this week.

This Thursday 13 I present: 13 Stories I’ve Written That’ll Never Be Published

1. The Corpseman Cometh – My love of zombies even existed way back in 1992. It was a story about a man who, in the first two paragraphs, was struck and killed by a semitruck. He is brought back to life by a mystical cheese curd his son gingerly placed in his mouth. He rises from his grave as…CORPSEMAN. His first mission? Save his son from being kidnapped by two bumbling thugs. The funny thing? It was actually my college creative writing paper. I got an A+!

2. Last Stop – A story about an angry woman riding the bus. She’s carrying a small box on her lap and she remembers the people at work who wronged her. She recalls the plan she has to show them all who’s boss. She remembers setting the timer. What she didn’t plan on was the bus getting stuck in traffic. As she leaves, trying to get there in ‘time’ the bomb explodes, it’s um…ugly. Not a family story.

3. Christmas Eve Bloodbath – Waaaay back I thought it would be a good idea to write a nasty little Christmas story for my family. So, I cooked up a little four page tale about how Santa Claus is a drunk, his elves hate him and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer assassinated Frosty the Snowman. It was well received. So much so that I decided to write another one next year and the next year and….I ended up doing this ‘project’ 10 years in a row.

4. Upset Stomach – This story featured a homeless man who blacked out anytime he touches a festering wound on his head. He is wronged by a man who puts boulders in the place where he sleeps on the streets. So, he collects cans, battles other homeless people, hits someone in the face with a dead frozen cat and ends up burning a department store to the ground. Also, his stomach talks to him.

5. Terror on 34th Street – Another installment in my famous Christmas Eve Bloodbath series. This one talks about how Santa and his elves live in an apartment in Detroit after leveling his North Pole mansion. To make ends meet, he ends up working as a mall Santa. When some janitors with guns show up, it’s up to Santa to save the day, get into awesome gun fights and save Christmas…sort of.

6. The Garage Sale Gladiator – A mysterious man frequents garage sales, seeking value in other people’s garbage. He is truly the bargain hunter of justice. When a roving biker gang looknig for trouble show up, they find it. Armed with bottle rockets, a toxic lava lamp and a rake, there’s no stopping GSG!

7. Never On Tuesdays – Two friends decide to rob a pawn shop. They know that on Tuesdays, the owners twin giant sons are off playing softball. What they don’t count on is that the weather will change this and that the owner is packing some serious heat. It features a character named Karp that I plan to write a whole novel about someday, but this first little foray is violent, over-the-top and kind of dark.

8. Never Ending – Wrote this in high school. It’s about a kid who is dreaming and finds himself in all sorts of nightmares. Everytime he thinks he’s awake, it turns out he’s stumbled into another terrifying vision of where his life is at. It was kind of cool, though. When my teacher was passing the stories back, I didn’t get mine. I thought he’d lost it and I’d get a bad grade. He held it up and said all sorts of cool things about it. I think his praise for this goofy, dark story made me want to keep chasing after this dream o’ mine.

9. Holy Enforcers – This was probably my most controversial story, ever. It featured a priest who is sort of a slob. He’s the ultimate slacker…for the Lord. When he receives a warning that doom is coming, he gets himself some pistols and a giant shootout occurs during mass. The odds are stacked in the evil-doers favor, Jesus himself comes down to lend a hand…and some machine gun fire. Yes, I know. Offensive, dumb, contrived. Hey, I was like 17!
Special Fun Fact: The name ‘Goodhalo’ originated from a minor character in this story.

10. Afternoon Delight – I decided that I wanted to write a story that was the epitome of sex and violence. I think I succeeded. Easily my most racy story ever, it features a female character who is as um…hungry as her prey. A cop who knows better than to tangle with her gets involved…KNOWING she’s the wife of one of his sergeants. The first half is naughty, the last half is well…crazy violent. Crazy.

11. Snowman Slaughterhouse Spectacular – Another installment in my CEBB series. This time, a gigantic King Kong-sized snowman is running rampant in a city, wrecking havoc and killing people. Who is there to save the day? Santa Claus, y’all. Turns out ol’ Frosty’s hat did have some magic left in it after all. Yeah. It was dumb.

12. Trauma in the Trailer Park – A story about a trailer park and the tornado that wrecks everything. Really original idea, right? Not really. The best part is that there is a guy bent on wiping ever trailer park off the map. It’s up to the property manager to save the day and the few trailers that haven’t been blown to Kingdom Come.

13. The Harpoon Boy Halloween Special – This was the third book in a series of books I wrote about a self-made superhero who has nothing going for him. In this tale he finds that a bunch of children have been kidnapped on Halloween by the nefarious Pumpkin Paul. He, and his side-kick Cardboard Lad, race off to the scene to save the day. It’s two parts cool, one part dumb. Okay, well mostly dumb.

And in case you’re wondering…yes, every single one of these stories exist and are complete. These aren’t just fake titles I came up with. This represents a small chunk of the stuff I wrote from high school through my mid-twenties. It’s hard to believe I write kids books now.

It’s even harder to believe one is being published in January. Crazy times, y’all.

Happy Thursday 13!