Thursday 13 – Version 7.0

You know, it’s like my parent’s used to say. Time flies when you’re having fun. Huh. Last time I checked (and I’m at work) I wasn’t having fun. How is it that it’s ALREADY Thursday again?

Oh, well. This week’s Thursday 13? Thirteen Foods I Won’t Even Touch…Ever

I’m a picky eater. Yes, a proverbial pain in the a$$ when it comes to food. My wife has the patience of a saint when it comes time for us to pick places to eat and for us to cook stuff up at home to enjoy. That being said, here’s a crash course on what I won’t eat. Maybe you’ll see a theme.

1. Mushrooms – Sorry, but I can’t eat anything that is neither plant, nor animal. Seriously. Mushrooms? They’re some sort of alien hybrid. They’re a fungus! They’re grown in manure! You spray ‘Tough Actin’ Tenactin’ on your feet to get rid of athlete’s foot. C’mon!

2. Mayonaisse – Oh sweet lord. How anyone can put this on anything they eat is beyond me. Not only do I not like the ‘look’ of mayo, I can’t get past the smell is gives off. Also, I saw an infomercial once where some sweaty guy was making his own mayo. Do you know what’s in there? It’s egg whites and oil. That’s just not my bag, baby.

3. Seafood – I’ve never been one to eat anything that’s come out of the water. I can’t explain it. Not only does it stink to high heaven, it usually tastes like a dirty lake (or ocean, sea, river). Plus, the idea of cracking open legs to get at white stinky meat to dip it with butter is not my idea of a good time.

4. Cottage Cheese – Yeah. Serve me up a bowl of moldy, chunky, lumpy cream. Make it extra thick. (I think I’m gonna Bleeth!)

5. Water Chestnuts – I get this thing called Grand Chicken at a Chinese restaurant near where I live. It’s got all kinds of deliciousness in there, EXCEPT: mushrooms (see #1) and water chestnuts. Can anyone tell me what the appeal of water chestnuts is? It’s like someone slipped finely sliced pieces of styrofoam into my mouth-watering meal. Ick.

6. Unmelted Cheese – I know, I know. By now, you’re thinking I’m clinically insane. Maybe so. But…I’m kind of a tactile person and one thing I can’t get behind is the cold, slimy feeling of unmelted cheese. I’ve been known to strip cheese off of cheeseburgers if it isn’t properly melted. I have no idea why I’m like this. I just am.

7. Almonds – Almonds give you toilet breath and also, they don’t taste good.

8. That Goes For You Too, Walnuts, Pecans, Cashews and every other nut besides Peanuts – I guess sometimes you feel like a nut. Most of the time? I don’t.

9. Guacamole – The only thing I like about this food is it’s name. Gwack-uh-moley. What a cool word. It just sort of rolls off the tongue. The actual food looks like it rolled off of someone’s rear end. Dip your chips in that.

10. Coffee – I know I’m going to lose a lot of street cred amongst my writer friends with this confession, but I can’t even stand the smell of coffee, let alone the taste of it. It’s hot, pulverized bean juice, people! Eeew. Besides, you have to put a 2nd mortgage on your house to buy the ‘good stuff.’ For years I’ve had people tell me: Oh-ho! Just you wait until you get a little older or when you’re in college. You’ll drink it then! Update: I’m 34 years old, done with college and I still don’t like it. Also, it gives you toilet breath.

11. Cream Cheese – This might actually fall into some of the other categories (unmelted cheese, cottage cheese) but I think this stuff is nasty too. Maybe I’ve got a thing for white, creamy substances. I don’t know. But yeah? Cream cheese? Gross. It’s just got a weird aftertaste and I think it looks so crappy spread out on a bagel that I actually feel sorry for the bagel. Poor little fella.

12. Porkchops – I hate these things so bad, I don’t even want to talk about it. @#%* porkchops!

13. Beets – Probably the granddaddy of all the foods I hate. They’re an unnatural color. They make the water they were cooking in a strange magenta color. They taste like something plucked out of a dumpster. Ugh. Beets. I actually wrote a kids book called ‘I Won’t Eat Beets!’ that I’m someday going to unleash on the world. Seriously. If you even care about your kids remotely you won’t make them eat beets. It’s been 30+ years since I’ve had ’em and I still get all itchy scratchy thinking about.

Hey, maybe I should write a cookbook. Then again, maybe not. The thing would only be around 4 pages long.