Okay. This week: 13 Where Are They Nows?

1. Doug Llewelyn – Remember that snarky guy that would sort of irritate people after they lost the $20 law suit on the People’s Court? He was the guy that would always (with a flitter of his eyelids) remind people that Officer Brawell had some documents they must sign. His famous line? “Don’t take the law into your own hands. You take ’em to court.” Man, I miss that guy.

2. Wyatt – I know this guy has a real name, but I’d love to find out what happened to ol’ Wyatt from the movie Weird Science. I mean, this flick was only the start of the great things this dude was destined for. Sure he was awkward. Sure his brother in the movie was Bill Paxton (who was excellent as Chet). Sure he ended up with the goofier looking of the girls. But he got to say the immortal line: Gary. Why are we wearing bras on our heads? Come back to us, Wyatt. We’re ready for you.

3. Joe Isuzu – Remember those commericals for Isuzu with the really obnoxious guy that lied his way into getting you to buy an Isuzu? He’d say stuff like: ‘This truck has more seats than the Astrodome.’ (Fact: It didn’t.) Yeah, he was a made-up guy played by someone who hasn’t been in much else, but still…

4. Jesse Camp – Not that I watch MTV (anymore), but a while back they had a contest to see who should be the next VJ on the crappy cable channel. It came down to two people. One was a normal-looking guy who actually still works in the industry and the other was Mr. Camp. Jesse was a whacked out looking rocker dude who could barely conjugate a verb, let alone string a sentence together that made sense. Guess who ended up winning? A taco to anyone who can figure out what he’s doing now.

5. Bonnie Franklin – Remember that ginger-haired lady that played the mom on One Day at a Time? Yeah, me neither. Fun fact: One Day at a Time holds a special place in my heart as having the worst sitcom theme song of all time.

6. Grizzly Adams – Where is Grizzly Adams? Seriously. Has anyone checked the woods to see if he’s still out there with Uncle Jesse and ol’ Number 7 (his mule)? I mean, this is the time we need Grizzly Adams most. Has anyone let him know how his brother Patch is doing? Is this thing on?

7. Joanie – Speaking of beards, where the heck is Joannie? We know where Chachi is these days, but where is ol’ Richie Cunningham’s sister? I’m guessing a couple things have happened: a) She finally moved out of Mr. C’s house. b) She got mad that Chachi’s hair was longer than hers. c) She no longer loves Chachi. Bummer.

8. Son – This guy was Redd Foxx’s son on that show about the two African American gentlemen living in a junkyard. But after they closed down the dump, what happened to ol’ Son? Also, did he have a name on that show? I don’t know. I never watched it anyway. I just liked the theme song.

9. The Hot Girl From ‘The Goonies’ – Seriously. If I could transport myself back to 1985 and pick anyone from movies to date, ol’ Keri Green would be at the top of my list. Of course, I was only 13 at the time and she was probably like 18 or something, but still. (I just did the math. She WAS 18!) Wow. Anyway, she could come back to movies anytime and I’d have a hard time not imagining her sliding down that waterslide. You know what I’m talking about, fellas. (Note: Please don’t confuse her with the Not-So-Hot-Girl From ‘The Goonies.’ Please.)

10. Large Marge – The scene: a desolated highway in the middle of Texas. A semi pulls up and a man-boy looking for his stolen bicycle hops aboard. He is a hitchhiker. She is a large, older truck driver just doing her good deed for the day. She is Large Marge and she is scary. Where is she now?

11. Zac the Lego Maniac – <---click for commerical. All right, now this is just getting out of hand. How could this kid have fallen off the face of the planet? He had it all: Legos, ways to build stuff with Legos, um…Legos, too. Okay, well… I’ll tell you this and this is a testament to the raw power of commercials. I could never name my kid (current or future) Zach. Everytime I would call his name, this commercial would fire up in my head.

12. That Big Lady From ‘The Color Purple’ – Man, that’s so weird. You’d think someone who was such a prescence and such a powerhouse in Stevie Spielberg’s flick about slavery would have gone onto bigger and better things. I guess you just can never tell who people will want to see more of. You think the very least, she’d be on a magazine or something. Oh, well.

13. That One Girl That One Guy Tried To Put In The Corner – I can’t lie and pretend I liked Dirty Dancing. I honestly thought it was the dopiest movie ever. Especially when Pat Swayze is doing his dumb little move at the end and That One Girl is all like: ‘Who, me?’ I thought she was good as That One Girl who ran into Chuck Sheen in the cop shop in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I heard she got a nose job and no one has seen her since. Or her nose.