Thursday 13 – Version 4.0
Is it seriously Thursday again already? Dang. Time does have a way of flyin’ when you’re having (CHOOSE ONE: fun, your hair cut, to choose what flavor of Blizzard you want to enjoy at Dairy Queen, a coma, to spend it at a thankless full-time job)
It’s Thursday 13 time, y’all.
No longer satisfied taking on the corporate slugs making people sick as a lawyer’s assistant, ol’
2. Titanic: The Return – As if by magic, the Titanic rises from the icy depths and defrosts all those thought to have perished in the tragic sinking. This includes…Jack. But Rose, thinking Jack is an ice cube at the bottom of the ocean is being courted by another man! Will Jack be able to get the doomed ship to harbor and sweep Rose off her feet again? What about that one guy with the face and the head? Yeah, him! Rated PG for stupidity and occasional early 1900’s pottymouth.
3. Star Wars: Jar Jar’s a Jedi! – Everyone’s absolute favorite alien buddy is back in this wacky spin-off of the ever-popular Star Wars franchise! Watch as Jar x2 makes his way through Jedi academy, bumble around with his light saber (nearly slicing Yoda in two!) and yuks his way through the Dagobah system. “Meesa Jedi now!” Rated R for the screaming, swearing Star Wars fans who’ll be protesting outside every theatre in the nation.
4. Beaches 2: The @%#*& Is Back – Remember that one lady that died at the end of the movie? The one that ol’ Barb Hershey played? Well, after a nutty mix-up at the morgue, it turns out she’s still alive! She and Bette Midler reunite to be all jerky to each other, slap each other about the head and just act like a couple of rich, boring snots. Features the song: “You Are The Wind Beneath My Cheeks (Reprise)” Rated PG-13 for high-falutin’ snobbery and just because it seems like it should be PG-13.
5. The Second To The Last of the Mohicans – That old Native American guy at the end of the movie learns that he’s not the last one. A distant cousin called Convenient Relative Hawk emerges and fights the French making the heroic moves Daniel Day-Lewis did in the first movie look like the chicken dance. Seriously. ConvRelHawk can do like three backflips all while swinging his tomahawk. You should see it. It’s sweet. Rated R for unstoppable awesomeness.
6. Mary Poppins 2: Cash Money – Ol’ Mary is back and she’s not interested in bettering the lives of the kids she keeps under her care. Nope. Mary is all about the money. While the kids get into shenanigans and eat glass, Mary is sitting on the couch, watching the tube and adding dead presidents to her fat roll of cash. Rated G for that ol’ Disney magic.
7. March of the Penguins Part 2: Payback – Those loveable penguins are back..and they’re out for blood! Angered by the animals that attack their young and fed up with the cold, they take to the mean streets of New York with pistols and bad attitudes. This is one migration you won’t want to miss! Rated R for penguin violence and occasional teen smoking.
8. The Lunch Club – Strapped for cash, John Hughes returns to the director’s chair in the follow up to his smash hit The Breakfast Club. Even though they’re in their mid-forties, the original gang has landed themselves in…you guessed it: Detention! They’ll talk about the things that affect them the most: bills, the high price of gas, their golf swings, and their rotten children. “Does Barry Manilow know you raided his wardrobe?” “Hey dude, I like Barry Manilow.” “Yeah, me too.” Rated R for gratuitous profanity and aging brat-packer close-ups.
9. Sling Blade 2: French Fried Potaters – After doing some time for hitting that one guy in the head with a lawn-mower blade, ol Carl is back out in society, trying to once again figure out what to do with himself. The only thing he cares about it biscuits and mustard and them delicious french fried potaters. Mmmmmhmm… Rated PG for potato violence and Billy Bob Thornton.
10. Pirates of the Carribean 4: More With the Swords and the Snarling – Cap’n Jack Sparrow is back and so is the swordplay and some ships and some pirates and that guy that played Legolas in Lord of the Rings and hasn’t been good in anything since, and dirty teeth and some skeletons and…c’mon, can you really tell one of these movies from the other? Come see it. Rated PG for (see above)
11. Harold & Kumar Go to the Toilet – Those funny guys who like to eat sliders are back, but here’s the problem: They’ve got some massive, gut-wrenching, butt-puckering indigestion! They got to White Castle, now they’ve gotta get to the latrine. Uh-oh!!! Rated R for toilet humor, slider double-entendres, and another guest appearance by Doogie Hauser, MD.
12. E.T. The Extra Terrestrial 2: DESTROY ALL HUMANS! – Phone home? Not this time, sucka!. E.T. and his band of plant-lovin’ pals are back…for revenge! They’re taking the fight to Earth to deliver a stumpy-footed butt kickin’ to all the scientists who prodded him and made him turn all white and dead-like and left him floating in the river. Payback is a mother…especially from 32 light years away. Rated NC-17 since they never use this rating anymore.
13. Friday the 13th Part 23: The Jason Voorhees Dance Party – Leave the machetes at home and break out your dancin’ shoes! Ol’ Hockey Mask Face is back and he’s spinning records and forcing you out of the seat and onto the dance floor. Chh-chh-chh-dance-dance-dance… Don’t be standin’ on the wall…get out and dance, y’all! (Man…I’m comin’ up short. So much for a strong finish) Rated PG for seriously dangerous dance moves and that maggoty face Jason has.