Thursday Thirteen – Version 1.0

Since I dig a lot of the other Thursday 13 lists I’ve seen, I thought I’d throw my dumb ol’ hat in the ring. Hats off to Loretta for making the sweet barcode graphic.

My First Thursday 13: Kids Book Titles You’ll Never See

1. Dragons Only Eat the Ugly Kids – Chronicling the misadventures of Stinky the Dragon who has a real craving for homely children.

2. Eat Sand! – A Bully’s Guide to Maximum Punishment – A handy step-by-step guide for the novice bully. Includes pictures, large print and words that are 4 letters or less in length.

3. Elmo’s Got Diarrhea – The sequel to Elmo’s Potty Time, this book details (unfortunately) the time Elmo ate a little too much of Maria’s spicy cooking and ended up making the ‘big stink’ behind Oscar’s garbage can.

4. Harry Potter & the Satisfying Ending – In response what is sure to be a mixed reaction to book # 7, another ‘year’ will be released making sure the bajillions of readers have the ‘warm fuzzies’ in their heart by the end of the book. Harry’s parents live! Voldemort says ‘I was just kidding!’ All the characters killed off come dancing through the door in time for supper!

5. CSI: Daycare – There’s trouble at the Sunny Day Care Center and a new breed of investigators are on the case. Will Timmy, Jessica and Johnny ‘The Pants’ be able to crack the mystery? (available as a board book)

6. Bicycle Helmets Are For Sissies – Produced by the Harley Davidson Company, this book goes into detail about how kids who wear helmets are pansys. Special chapter on wearing leather chaps and growing unruly facial hair.

7. That Monster Under Your Bed? It’s Really There – A book aimed at making sure that kids know that monsters truly exist and that they’ve infested their bedrooms. The perfect companion to ‘Goodnight Moon.’

8. The Cat In The Hat Smokes Crack – From the lost archives of Dr. Seuss, comes this never-before published book from the latter years of America’s beloved children’s book author.

9. $!@#^&@!!! – A Children’s Guide To Pottymouth – A comprehensive guide to the wonderful world of expletives, name-calling, and swearing. Includes mouth-sized bar of soap for quick cleaning.

10. They Call Me Marbles – A tale that tells the story of Marty, a boy who swallows at least 10 marbles a day. Proposed sequel in the works – They Call Me Fishy.

11. The Sopranos Coloring Book – Kids get the chance to color in scenes from their parent’s favorite show, The Sopranos. Includes an extra red crayon, a pull-out Bada Bing! coloring sheet and list of who’s been whacked. Fun for everyone? Fuggedaboutit!

12. Mom Says I Smell Like Garbage – A heart-warming story about a mother’s thoughtful words to their 5 year old daughter. Also, they live in a dumpster.

13. Let’s Play In The Street! – For all the kids tired of playing in the backyard, the fun continues in traffic. Games include: semi-truck handball, SUV Dodge ’em, and Minivan golf.

Okay. I’d be absolutely frightened if any of these made it to the publishing phase. If they did, then I will truly, truly give up this whole writer thing I’m after. Got a title I missed? Slap it in the comments, kiddos!